INDIAN MATRIMONIAL SITES: SIGN, CAUSE AND EFFECT OF CHANGE

Marriage is central to any society. It grew as a code of conduct that ensures security, social order, family and continuing of the lineage. Its practices have today evolved into the presence of Indian matrimonial sites – means of seeking and fixing matrimonial alliances using the Internet. Marriage and its aims are common to all irrespective of the religion or community – it is only the conventions and rituals that differ. However, Indian matrimonial sites can suit the purpose of all communities and religions. In fact, contemporary Indian matrimonial sites go beyond these into broader parameters of matching personalities and lives for long term commitment.

Earlier there was the astrologer, pandit, maulvi, naayan, or a matchmaking friend or relative known to both families to convey an expression of interest. There were also the professional marriage brokers and bureaus (those on the wrong side of forty can picture Shashikala in the laugh riot Biwi O Biwi), and we still see reams and reams of marriage classified ads in newspapers. Today, added to these – and sometimes at their cost – there are Indian matrimonial sites. These matrimonial sites act as the matchmakers: they have prospective partners with personal and professional details lined up. Registration is online, expression of interest a click away, and follow up more personal and individual. Most charge a fee while some, like marryinaweek.com, are as of now free.

Despite the ingress of love marriages and live in relationships, arranged marriages in India remain firmly entrenched. Parents remain in the forefront of matrimonial alliances, primarily because they want to ensure their children are “well settled”. However, even in this gradual changes are creeping in. Marryinaweek is a matrimonial app that is based on values, interests,lifestyle and Facebook profile and offers anyone free feature on the app to reach all their matches instantly.

Since the app works inside the facebook, by default prospective bride or groom take control of their activities on the app which includes expressing interest or accepting other’s expression of interest in them.
This is an app as opposed to Indian matrimonial sites and it deviates from the community, caste and religion-centric matches thrown up by, classifieds and Indian matrimonial sites.

In today’s world, compatibility depends on more than shared caste and community and young adults know their minds. In acknowledgement of these, criteria for compatibility in marriage too have changed to beyond those conventionally sought and prospective brides and grooms are more actively a part of the decision making process, making their own parameters and expressing their own aspirations either online or in person. With marriages still holding their own, we can turn a deaf ear to cynical voices of doom for the institution. Yes, conventions for them are changing to suit changing times and Indian matrimonial sites are variously the sign, the cause and the effect of this.

IF YOU HAVE OPTION: LIVE INDEPENDENTLY AFTER MARRIAGE

The first salvo came the 2nd day of marriage. “Your mother doesn’t like me.”
I took it lightly. “Come on darling. I am her only son. My mother loves you as much as she does me.”
The second bombshell took a month to burst.

Why do your sisters keep sitting in my room? I also need some space. I can’t talk to my mother. The moment I pick up my mobile they begin hovering all over. The tirade turned a regular night ritual thereafter.
The household became a living hell. Everyone was always tense. We stopped eating together in the family tradition. The break was formalized within six months. The worst thing was the bitterness with which we two parted to start a separate family nucleus.

I knew who the Polonius behind the curtain was. It could not have been anyone other than my mother-in-law.
This is how my bosom friend related his tale of family woes to me one evening. He had recently started living independent of his pre-marriage family. That best brewer of guilt, the universal tormentor of conscience, the to-be-or-not-to-be syndrome, assailed him like it does all the newlyweds in our society. Could it have gone different? Yes.

The sorry saga could have been different. The parents could have done it. The society still feels a son must live with his parents. It is obligatory to look after the family by his physical presence under the same roof. We bask in the glory of family ties and joint families. We sing paeans of praises for the atmosphere a child gets growing in the company of a horde of cousins, uncles and aunts. We are still primitive in convictions when clans used to stay together to face a hostile wilderness around.

But the times have changed. The age old custom of joint family is all but extinct. Girls are now an active part of the work force. The tradition of a daughter-in-law massaging the feet of old ladies before sleeping at night seems ridiculous. The girls are mentally different now. They want an uncluttered personal space. They have pretty strong ideas of almost every facet of life from when to start a family to how to dress, when to wash hair, when argue with the husband and when to love him with abandon-undisturbed by the coughing of an old man in the background.

This is a brave new world. The faster the elders come to believe that the change is irreversible, the better. Whatever people feel about it the society will have to change. Mothers-in-law- ‘both sides’- will have to change. When done with grace the family ties will continue to be sweet.
Allow the young couples to fly the coop. Permit them to cut the umbilical cord and live a life of their own. Allow them to go away and find out their own branch to perch. Every Jane Fonda should realize that no Jennifer Lopez will now compromise with a Monster-in-law.

LET GO AND REBOOT: THE CONFESSION OF A DIVORCEE

I was single again. The rotten relationship was buried at last. It took one year from the first pronouncement of –‘I cannot live with you anymore’- to the court clerk asking me to sign the copy of the divorce order. I should have felt relieved and free but did not. I felt put down, drained and alone.

When you are coping with a divorce, pain is inevitable. But what I felt was not pain as such as a feeling of emptiness – an aimless drift. Home was depressing. There was a silently suffering mother. Conversation with her was limited to dinner or bills. Initially, the friends were supportive but after almost a year things were back to the usual office shenanigans.

There was nothing remarkable in the post divorce life or any one to blame. It happened as it happens.
Life would have trundled wearily on if it would not be for my sister. One day she forced me to attend a wedding with her. Surprisingly, the evening turned out to be more pleasant than expected. I met some old friends. They were happy to see me. I actually enjoyed the gaiety of the occasion.

Later, I pondered over the evening, on the joy I had felt and whether I had not become a prisoner of self pity. Wasn’t it wrong? I had a god given right to a happy life. I must pick up the pieces and gel the life again. All the websites on divorce I had browsed during the lonely nights had preached three methods to cope with divorce. Seek out a Support Network, Redefine yourself and minimize the Impact of emotions. I decided to reach my support network-my mother, my sister and some close friends. I must redefine myself.

Mother was the first point of contact. “Go out. Meet people.” mother gushed. “Call your friends from office. Go join the land of the living. Overcome your martyr complex.”

My sister was full of natty suggestions. “Look, a date is what you need. Since, you don’t have time or resources to check around Matrimonial profiles, joining a speed dating event is the best solution.’

I protested : “I have no idea about these things.”

‘Don’t worry, Bhai! Just come out of your shell. The sensitivities of daters are always the chief concern with the organizers of these Matrimonial Speed Dating events. Just go ahead and sign up for the event.
I decided to come out of my comfort zone and took a plunge.

The event was surprisingly decent and satisfying. The idea of bringing 12-15 compatible singles of each gender to meet each other for 5 minutes each over 2/2.5 hours event was fantastic. They followed the round robin method of time scheduling. We talked, discreetly judged and decided. I ticked yes for the 3rd, 5th, 7th and 11th girl I met. I could make up my mind within minutes of coming to their tables.

I felt there was some merit in the studies which suggest that love at first sight isn’t just in our heads, but there may be a biological basis to instant attraction. People do tend to form opinions quickly when it comes to romance. The scientists tell us that it takes just three minutes to decide whether someone’s a potential mate as humans are preprogrammed to spot “the one.” The Matrimonial speed dating is a truly amazing event which employs this science to perfection.

Meeting so many nice girls lifted my spirits and after many days i felt like enjoying life. My heart felt that life might take a turn for the better. My sister ribbed me with – ‘always pay heed to my suggestions’.

MARRIAGE WEBSITES VERSUS MATRIMONIAL SPEED DATING

One evening after a peg or two when a warm glow had begun making me benignly disposed towards the world in general and my wine guzzling cousin in particular, I declared,” I am going to help you”. The poor fellow was single at 36. That will not do. ‘You can’t,’ the figure draped on sofa had grunted.
‘Never mind, when ‘yours truly’ sets out to solve your problems, you get them solved.’

On hearing my determined tone, my cousin looked myopically at me from behind his thick lenses.” I knew you are my real friend.’ A sob followed the sound of another tipping in his glass.

I enthusiastically began laying my plan. ‘At first I would register you with a famous marriage website. We will get hundreds of responses. We will…….,’ I stopped. He was vehemently shaking his head. ‘It won’t work. Well wishers had already tried the route. The experience of bride hunting from the profiles received from the marriage websites had proved unsatisfying . The fast paced life left no time for anything. Even the first meeting for preliminaries had taken months to arrange. The ambience in the restaurant fixed for the first meeting was more like shopping than a matrimonial dating. The only fellow who benefitted was the waiter.”

I was not deterred. I had heard of a novel concept termed matrimonial speed dating. I told him that it was a comparatively more efficient way than the traditional matrimonial dating via marriage website. There you meet only one person and if you decide the person to be incompatible you come back to square one. While in a speed dating event, a number of people compatible with each other are brought together. You get a chance to spend time with more than 10 to 15 prospective matches in a span of 2 to 2.5 hours. Both the daters get only a numbered card with a first name to avoid exchange of identification. He finally agreed. I made him promise to give me a full account of his sojourn in the event.

My cousin boasted a wall to wall grin on his face on his return from the event. “The girls were sitting,” he gushed. “The guys moved from table to table and talked to the girl on it for five minutes. We met, we judged, we decided. Both the girls and guys had numbered cards. We were told to tick the yes or no box to show our preference for the person to meet in future. I met 10 girls and ticked yes for three. The organisers would collate the yeses ticked on guys’ and girls’ cards and whosoever had the collective interest shown will be given details of each other to carry the matter further. The whole affair was done decently. What with the paucity of time in this age, it was a wonderful opportunity to have achieved so much in such a short period”

“You seem really happy!” Yes, I am happy and more because all the girls were relevant to me in terms of age, education, career and intellect.