INDIAN MATRIMONIAL SITES: SIGN, CAUSE AND EFFECT OF CHANGE

Marriage is central to any society. It grew as a code of conduct that ensures security, social order, family and continuing of the lineage. Its practices have today evolved into the presence of Indian matrimonial sites – means of seeking and fixing matrimonial alliances using the Internet. Marriage and its aims are common to all irrespective of the religion or community – it is only the conventions and rituals that differ. However, Indian matrimonial sites can suit the purpose of all communities and religions. In fact, contemporary Indian matrimonial sites go beyond these into broader parameters of matching personalities and lives for long term commitment.

Earlier there was the astrologer, pandit, maulvi, naayan, or a matchmaking friend or relative known to both families to convey an expression of interest. There were also the professional marriage brokers and bureaus (those on the wrong side of forty can picture Shashikala in the laugh riot Biwi O Biwi), and we still see reams and reams of marriage classified ads in newspapers. Today, added to these – and sometimes at their cost – there are Indian matrimonial sites. These matrimonial sites act as the matchmakers: they have prospective partners with personal and professional details lined up. Registration is online, expression of interest a click away, and follow up more personal and individual. Most charge a fee while some, like marryinaweek.com, are as of now free.

Despite the ingress of love marriages and live in relationships, arranged marriages in India remain firmly entrenched. Parents remain in the forefront of matrimonial alliances, primarily because they want to ensure their children are “well settled”. However, even in this gradual changes are creeping in. Marryinaweek is a matrimonial app that is based on values, interests,lifestyle and Facebook profile and offers anyone free feature on the app to reach all their matches instantly.

Since the app works inside the facebook, by default prospective bride or groom take control of their activities on the app which includes expressing interest or accepting other’s expression of interest in them.
This is an app as opposed to Indian matrimonial sites and it deviates from the community, caste and religion-centric matches thrown up by, classifieds and Indian matrimonial sites.

In today’s world, compatibility depends on more than shared caste and community and young adults know their minds. In acknowledgement of these, criteria for compatibility in marriage too have changed to beyond those conventionally sought and prospective brides and grooms are more actively a part of the decision making process, making their own parameters and expressing their own aspirations either online or in person. With marriages still holding their own, we can turn a deaf ear to cynical voices of doom for the institution. Yes, conventions for them are changing to suit changing times and Indian matrimonial sites are variously the sign, the cause and the effect of this.

IF YOU HAVE OPTION: LIVE INDEPENDENTLY AFTER MARRIAGE

The first salvo came the 2nd day of marriage. “Your mother doesn’t like me.”
I took it lightly. “Come on darling. I am her only son. My mother loves you as much as she does me.”
The second bombshell took a month to burst.

Why do your sisters keep sitting in my room? I also need some space. I can’t talk to my mother. The moment I pick up my mobile they begin hovering all over. The tirade turned a regular night ritual thereafter.
The household became a living hell. Everyone was always tense. We stopped eating together in the family tradition. The break was formalized within six months. The worst thing was the bitterness with which we two parted to start a separate family nucleus.

I knew who the Polonius behind the curtain was. It could not have been anyone other than my mother-in-law.
This is how my bosom friend related his tale of family woes to me one evening. He had recently started living independent of his pre-marriage family. That best brewer of guilt, the universal tormentor of conscience, the to-be-or-not-to-be syndrome, assailed him like it does all the newlyweds in our society. Could it have gone different? Yes.

The sorry saga could have been different. The parents could have done it. The society still feels a son must live with his parents. It is obligatory to look after the family by his physical presence under the same roof. We bask in the glory of family ties and joint families. We sing paeans of praises for the atmosphere a child gets growing in the company of a horde of cousins, uncles and aunts. We are still primitive in convictions when clans used to stay together to face a hostile wilderness around.

But the times have changed. The age old custom of joint family is all but extinct. Girls are now an active part of the work force. The tradition of a daughter-in-law massaging the feet of old ladies before sleeping at night seems ridiculous. The girls are mentally different now. They want an uncluttered personal space. They have pretty strong ideas of almost every facet of life from when to start a family to how to dress, when to wash hair, when argue with the husband and when to love him with abandon-undisturbed by the coughing of an old man in the background.

This is a brave new world. The faster the elders come to believe that the change is irreversible, the better. Whatever people feel about it the society will have to change. Mothers-in-law- ‘both sides’- will have to change. When done with grace the family ties will continue to be sweet.
Allow the young couples to fly the coop. Permit them to cut the umbilical cord and live a life of their own. Allow them to go away and find out their own branch to perch. Every Jane Fonda should realize that no Jennifer Lopez will now compromise with a Monster-in-law.

LET GO AND REBOOT: THE CONFESSION OF A DIVORCEE

I was single again. The rotten relationship was buried at last. It took one year from the first pronouncement of –‘I cannot live with you anymore’- to the court clerk asking me to sign the copy of the divorce order. I should have felt relieved and free but did not. I felt put down, drained and alone.

When you are coping with a divorce, pain is inevitable. But what I felt was not pain as such as a feeling of emptiness – an aimless drift. Home was depressing. There was a silently suffering mother. Conversation with her was limited to dinner or bills. Initially, the friends were supportive but after almost a year things were back to the usual office shenanigans.

There was nothing remarkable in the post divorce life or any one to blame. It happened as it happens.
Life would have trundled wearily on if it would not be for my sister. One day she forced me to attend a wedding with her. Surprisingly, the evening turned out to be more pleasant than expected. I met some old friends. They were happy to see me. I actually enjoyed the gaiety of the occasion.

Later, I pondered over the evening, on the joy I had felt and whether I had not become a prisoner of self pity. Wasn’t it wrong? I had a god given right to a happy life. I must pick up the pieces and gel the life again. All the websites on divorce I had browsed during the lonely nights had preached three methods to cope with divorce. Seek out a Support Network, Redefine yourself and minimize the Impact of emotions. I decided to reach my support network-my mother, my sister and some close friends. I must redefine myself.

Mother was the first point of contact. “Go out. Meet people.” mother gushed. “Call your friends from office. Go join the land of the living. Overcome your martyr complex.”

My sister was full of natty suggestions. “Look, a date is what you need. Since, you don’t have time or resources to check around Matrimonial profiles, joining a speed dating event is the best solution.’

I protested : “I have no idea about these things.”

‘Don’t worry, Bhai! Just come out of your shell. The sensitivities of daters are always the chief concern with the organizers of these Matrimonial Speed Dating events. Just go ahead and sign up for the event.
I decided to come out of my comfort zone and took a plunge.

The event was surprisingly decent and satisfying. The idea of bringing 12-15 compatible singles of each gender to meet each other for 5 minutes each over 2/2.5 hours event was fantastic. They followed the round robin method of time scheduling. We talked, discreetly judged and decided. I ticked yes for the 3rd, 5th, 7th and 11th girl I met. I could make up my mind within minutes of coming to their tables.

I felt there was some merit in the studies which suggest that love at first sight isn’t just in our heads, but there may be a biological basis to instant attraction. People do tend to form opinions quickly when it comes to romance. The scientists tell us that it takes just three minutes to decide whether someone’s a potential mate as humans are preprogrammed to spot “the one.” The Matrimonial speed dating is a truly amazing event which employs this science to perfection.

Meeting so many nice girls lifted my spirits and after many days i felt like enjoying life. My heart felt that life might take a turn for the better. My sister ribbed me with – ‘always pay heed to my suggestions’.

MARRIAGE WEBSITES VERSUS MATRIMONIAL SPEED DATING

One evening after a peg or two when a warm glow had begun making me benignly disposed towards the world in general and my wine guzzling cousin in particular, I declared,” I am going to help you”. The poor fellow was single at 36. That will not do. ‘You can’t,’ the figure draped on sofa had grunted.
‘Never mind, when ‘yours truly’ sets out to solve your problems, you get them solved.’

On hearing my determined tone, my cousin looked myopically at me from behind his thick lenses.” I knew you are my real friend.’ A sob followed the sound of another tipping in his glass.

I enthusiastically began laying my plan. ‘At first I would register you with a famous marriage website. We will get hundreds of responses. We will…….,’ I stopped. He was vehemently shaking his head. ‘It won’t work. Well wishers had already tried the route. The experience of bride hunting from the profiles received from the marriage websites had proved unsatisfying . The fast paced life left no time for anything. Even the first meeting for preliminaries had taken months to arrange. The ambience in the restaurant fixed for the first meeting was more like shopping than a matrimonial dating. The only fellow who benefitted was the waiter.”

I was not deterred. I had heard of a novel concept termed matrimonial speed dating. I told him that it was a comparatively more efficient way than the traditional matrimonial dating via marriage website. There you meet only one person and if you decide the person to be incompatible you come back to square one. While in a speed dating event, a number of people compatible with each other are brought together. You get a chance to spend time with more than 10 to 15 prospective matches in a span of 2 to 2.5 hours. Both the daters get only a numbered card with a first name to avoid exchange of identification. He finally agreed. I made him promise to give me a full account of his sojourn in the event.

My cousin boasted a wall to wall grin on his face on his return from the event. “The girls were sitting,” he gushed. “The guys moved from table to table and talked to the girl on it for five minutes. We met, we judged, we decided. Both the girls and guys had numbered cards. We were told to tick the yes or no box to show our preference for the person to meet in future. I met 10 girls and ticked yes for three. The organisers would collate the yeses ticked on guys’ and girls’ cards and whosoever had the collective interest shown will be given details of each other to carry the matter further. The whole affair was done decently. What with the paucity of time in this age, it was a wonderful opportunity to have achieved so much in such a short period”

“You seem really happy!” Yes, I am happy and more because all the girls were relevant to me in terms of age, education, career and intellect.

ABOUT ‘MARRY IN A WEEK’ SPEED DATING EVENT

About ‘Marry in a Week’ speed dating event 

‘Marry in a Week’ Facebook app has entered the Indian speed dating scene with a matrimonial speed dating event, wherein we typically invite between 10 to 15 single male and female professionals each. These people are chosen from the pre-registered users of ‘Marry in a Week’ facebook app. Since we are an Indian matrimonial matchmaking platform, we not only ensure a balanced male to female ratio but also pay special attention to the composition of the group.

The group comprises of only those Indian singles that are interested in matrimony and are looking for their perfect matches. They share compatibility in terms of nationality, religion, social background, education, profession, income, age, physical appearance and values. We do not match people on the basis of caste or community. We also maintain a wait list to take care of any last minute cancellations.

At the event, each person gets to chat with each other member of the opposite sex for five minutes each. After every five-minute chat, a bell is sounded to signal the end of the speed date. At this signal all the guys get up to move on to the next table while the girls remain seated. During this transfer, both the girls as well as the guys get some time to tick a ‘Yes’ on their date cards in case they would like to meet each other again, in addition to making some notes, if they like, before moving on to their next speed dates.

About halfway through the event there may be a 10-15 minute break to help everyone freshen up, stretch and unwind. When the last of the speed dates gets over, everyone hands over their date cards to the organizers and proceed to have some snacks. Girls leave the venue first, followed by the guys ten minutes later so as to avoid any unwanted encounters outside of the venue. All participants come as strangers and must, therefore, leave as strangers only.

Any post event meeting between two participants takes place only if both of them have mutually ticked a ‘Yes’ in their date cards for meeting each other again. If this does not happen then they do not meet each other again.

What kind of people participate in your matrimonial speed dating events?

Our matrimonial speed dating events are ideal for those Indian professionals who lead very busy lives. They do not get any time or opportunity to meet sufficient enough number of interesting new people to help broaden their prospects of finding perfect life partners. However, only those professionals who are already registered on our facebook matrimonial app can participate in our events, which are strictly held for finding perfect matches for matrimony.

Since we are an Indian matrimonial matchmaking platform, we pay special attention to the composition of each of our speed dating groups. All members of a particular group share compatibility in terms of nationality, religion, social background, education, profession, income, age, physical appearance and values. We do not match people on the basis of caste or community.

What do we compare to ensure all participants in a particular event are compatible?

1. Job Status.
2. Annual Income.
3. Education.
4. Refinement.
5. Personal values.

WHY WOULD MATRIMONIAL SPEED DATING WORK?

Speed dating is one novel way to find a match.  It may seem incredible that you can find someone in 3 to 8 minutes worth expressing an interest in but  studies, such as the one conducted in 2005 by evolutionary psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania of dating data from 10,526 anonymous people speed dating and the others conducted in Edinburgh, found:

• most people made their choices within the first three seconds of meeting
• 45% of the women participants in a speed dating event and 22% of the men came to a decision within the first 30 seconds
• whatever people may say about beliefs and what they are looking for in another, the ‘clicking’ happens quickly
• issues such as religion and previous marriages played less of a role than expected
• people may have bad experiences with matches that look good on paper, so in a match seeking environment like speed dating, it seems they tend to follow their hearts and desires
• dialogue concerning travel resulted in more matches than dialogue about movies
• scent and age play some part in the choice
• women are more selective than men
• women are quicker at making up their minds about a potential partner than men

Proponents of speed dating argue that it works on its ability to save time as most people quickly decide if they are romantically compatible – after all, first impressions last.

Since meeting sufficient number of interesting people in everyday life is so incredibly difficult. The concept of Matrimonial speed dating is an awesome idea whose time has come. In 2.5 hours a person can meet as same number of prospective matches as it would take 3 months to meet. Add to this the humungous planning, preparation, emotions and expenses involved and compare it to a simple 2.5 hours fun event which gives you not only better results but also preempts you from getting stuck on a long boring date with someone who’s not your type.

A MOTHER’S MATRIMONIAL MUSINGS

Right now, the focus of my life is Project Bindiya.  Bindiya is my 24 year old daughter. I am totally immersed in matrimonial alliances.  I have spread the word around in my circle, spoken to a few astrologers and flaunted my Bindiya at social gatherings.  I know the word is out – yet should I also tap matrimonial sites?

Like many of my generation, I am a little wary of the internet.  I can just about do my mails and google recipes.  Bindiya created a Facebook account for me so that I can network with old friends but I hardly log in; although when I do, I enjoy discussing with old friends what next will happen to Simar or Ram and Priya.

In fact, it was one such visit to Facebook that gave me the idea of matrimonial sites.  Something called marryinaweek there caught my eye.  From what I understand, it is like a matrimonial site with the usual advantage of a larger bank of prospective matches and the convenience of availability at a click but also has more: it’s a first of its kind matrimonial app linked to Facebook and as of now it is free. I read that it takes relevant information from a Facebook profile.  Should I ask Bindiya to register?  While I have been talking about our own community, I know that I have given my daughter the education and exposure to life that I was denied and deep down in my heart I fear that merely matching community may not be enough for her.  I want her to find a soul mate in the true sense of the word.  If he has the qualities to keep her secure and happy, I may be willing to compromise on the community part.  Anyway, who knows I may be lucky that someone from our community may also be up on Facebook and will suit in other ways as well?!

Bindiya decides who can view her profile so my fears about letting pictures and details loose on the internet without privacy become unfounded.  There will be no clutter since if she does not express an interest, the profile expires in a week; and if a prospect is really interested or interesting, the response will have to be in a week, or it is lost.  As a matrimonial site with a difference, it enables prospects to see the entire person – videos, pictures, posts and details – if allowed.  And since only those with 50 or more friends will have profiles taken, I am a little relaxed by the smaller chance then of sham profiles.  I know that along with other Facebook friends she can shut me out in her privacy settings, but as mother and daughter, we’ll share something and she does rely on my maturer outlook in many things.  I am traditional enough to know that she is “paraya dhan” and once married, she will have her privacy settings that will exclude me even in life.  She introduced me to Facebook – wonder what she’ll say when I tell her I found a matrimonial app I would like to introduce her to?

WHAT IS SPEED DATING?

What is speed dating?

Speed dating is an arranged form of matchmaking that focuses on meeting a lot of people in a very short span of time. In a way, it is a very modern and contemporary version of the traditional Indian matchmaking. In fact, it is a much easier and more efficient way of finding excellent prospective matches than the commonly practiced matrimonial dating these days.

In a speed dating event, single people from both the genders get to talk to each other over short meetings of five minutes each. These face-to-face five-minute meetings are called speed dates. After each of these speed dates, the participants need to tick a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No’ in the box against the question asking them if they would like to meet the person they just met, once again, before moving on to their next speed date.

The event gets over after all the speed dates have taken place. That is, each participant has had a chance to meet every other participant of the opposite sex. The organizers then match the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ ticks of each and every participant in order to find out which of them would like to meet each other again and  send emails to the participants, disclosing the full names and contact details of their matches, so that they can carry on from there on their own.

What is the objective of speed dating? Who is it meant for?

The objective of speed dating is to allow smart young professionals, who would like to get married but are still looking around for the right partner, to meet wonderful new people with similar backgrounds in a fun, safe and private environment.

The hardest part of matchmaking is the opportunity to meet sufficient enough number of compatible and interesting new people so that the probability of making a good alliance can be improved. Speed dating can help do that easily. It is a great way for meeting lots of new people, who are sailing in the same boat, and who are actively searching for good matches themselves, in a short span of time.

Speed dating is ideally meant for those professionals who get very limited time to socialize due to their very hectic professional schedules. They tend to hang with the same set of friends and colleagues every other day. Due to this they hardly get any opportunities to meet new people, which significantly hamper their chances of running into good prospective matches.

What is the science behind speed dating?

It has been scientifically proven that speed dating is a highly effective tool for matchmaking. It can really help people decide who they want to meet again. When two people meet they subconsciously exchange verbal and non-verbal signals. This exchange of signals kicks in the chemistry, which can be either positive or negative. On the basis of this strong intuitive feeling, one can usually decide whether one would like to meet the other person again or not.

Studies have shown that people can take this decision really very quickly, often in a matter of a few minutes. Incidentally, this advantage of judging people by intuition and personal chemistry can only be availed in a personal one-to-one meeting and can never be felt through any online speed dating experience.

What is the history behind speed dating?

Speed dating, in its current form, was perhaps first started by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in Los Angeles in 1999 for young Jewish singles to meet for the purpose of finding good prospective matches. It soon spread throughout the rest of the western world as a revolutionary new way for busy single people to meet each other without any of the stigma associated with online dating.

Now, it is increasingly becoming a necessity in today’s fast-paced world, even in relatively conservative Asian societies such as in India, where young professionals often do not enjoy the luxury of time but still feel the need to break away from the traditional ways and try to find their soul mates on their own. Speed dating offers a fun and safe way to meet many like-minded, interesting and compatible prospects at one go. Therefore, speed dating in India has a great future.