DOWRY OF GIRLS AND CAREER OF BOYS RULE MARRIAGES IN INDIA

The furore created by the skimpy clad diva was ferocious. The reason other than paucity of her dress was that she had almost touched upon the raw nerve of Indians. Perhaps she had no idea of the reaction when she said that Indians were a hypocritical society. Well, we might be that  but never in the open. She had committed the cardinal sin of saying it loudly.

Of course, we are hypocrites. If there is a measuring scale we would be 9th or 10th on the score of 10 in some areas of hypocrisy. But for god’s sake Mallika! We do not shout it from roof tops or in a press conference. We are the most skillful hypocrites in the world .Take the myth of marriages being solemnized purely for the reason of compatibility. Nothing could be far from the truth.

All of us are experts at practicing virtue at a distance. The deeply embedded desire of dowry is worth a thought. Nine out of ten educated people criticize it. On first encounter every boy’s father invariably remarks – ‘we don’t need anything. Whatever you give is your choice. It will be after all a gift to your daughter. The mask of being righteous remains firmly strapped at all times.

We are so great at hiding our true beliefs that we can even deceive ourselves in what we publicly state to be our true conviction.  The practice of dowry is condemned by every loudly thinking person.  The demand is never openly made. It is only at the time of deciding the nitty-gritty of solemnizing the marriage that the situation unfolds. Generally someone from groom’s family will innocuously ask about items being given to the Indian brides so that they will not purchase the same for the bride’s room in their house. What will be the point in duplicating the purchase of a Television, fridge, washing machine, play station, double bed, dressing table, safe, decorative items, modular kitchen, car, etc?  Obviously, the list of items needed in the room of the bride is a subtle reminder of what is being expected.

It is just a step behind the second hint of why purchase these items. It would be better if the monetary value of these items is calculated and cash is given to groom to purchase items of his liking. No household is free of this kind of subterfuge when it comes to dowry. The merits of the girl could even be secondary.

The same is true of expectations for the girls’ match. The compatibility begins and ends with the potential or reality of the financial condition of the future groom. It is always about money. No one bothers about love, beauty, compatibility, nature, values and lifestyle. Search for a groom starts and ends at his potential of earning money. More the potential the more is the market value of the groom. The going rates for an IAS, an IPS, a CA, a doctor and an IITian run in millions. Even a bank clerk’s price needs checking if someone finds the idea of ‘grooms are sold’ to be preposterous. Long back the INDIA TODAY had published a survey. It had put the going rate for an IAS at a Crore INR at that time. Now the inflation has raised the rates of high end grooms proportionately. There are no bargain sales or a ‘monsoon dhamaka’ in matrimonial market. It is a cut and dried affair because we are true hypocrites. We shout about the change but never let the risk come our way.

INDIAN MATRIMONIAL SITES: SIGN, CAUSE AND EFFECT OF CHANGE

Marriage is central to any society. It grew as a code of conduct that ensures security, social order, family and continuing of the lineage. Its practices have today evolved into the presence of Indian matrimonial sites – means of seeking and fixing matrimonial alliances using the Internet. Marriage and its aims are common to all irrespective of the religion or community – it is only the conventions and rituals that differ. However, Indian matrimonial sites can suit the purpose of all communities and religions. In fact, contemporary Indian matrimonial sites go beyond these into broader parameters of matching personalities and lives for long term commitment.

Earlier there was the astrologer, pandit, maulvi, naayan, or a matchmaking friend or relative known to both families to convey an expression of interest. There were also the professional marriage brokers and bureaus (those on the wrong side of forty can picture Shashikala in the laugh riot Biwi O Biwi), and we still see reams and reams of marriage classified ads in newspapers. Today, added to these – and sometimes at their cost – there are Indian matrimonial sites. These matrimonial sites act as the matchmakers: they have prospective partners with personal and professional details lined up. Registration is online, expression of interest a click away, and follow up more personal and individual. Most charge a fee while some, like marryinaweek.com, are as of now free.

Despite the ingress of love marriages and live in relationships, arranged marriages in India remain firmly entrenched. Parents remain in the forefront of matrimonial alliances, primarily because they want to ensure their children are “well settled”. However, even in this gradual changes are creeping in. Marryinaweek is a matrimonial app that is based on values, interests,lifestyle and Facebook profile and offers anyone free feature on the app to reach all their matches instantly.

Since the app works inside the facebook, by default prospective bride or groom take control of their activities on the app which includes expressing interest or accepting other’s expression of interest in them.
This is an app as opposed to Indian matrimonial sites and it deviates from the community, caste and religion-centric matches thrown up by, classifieds and Indian matrimonial sites.

In today’s world, compatibility depends on more than shared caste and community and young adults know their minds. In acknowledgement of these, criteria for compatibility in marriage too have changed to beyond those conventionally sought and prospective brides and grooms are more actively a part of the decision making process, making their own parameters and expressing their own aspirations either online or in person. With marriages still holding their own, we can turn a deaf ear to cynical voices of doom for the institution. Yes, conventions for them are changing to suit changing times and Indian matrimonial sites are variously the sign, the cause and the effect of this.

IF YOU HAVE OPTION: LIVE INDEPENDENTLY AFTER MARRIAGE

The first salvo came the 2nd day of marriage. “Your mother doesn’t like me.”
I took it lightly. “Come on darling. I am her only son. My mother loves you as much as she does me.”
The second bombshell took a month to burst.

Why do your sisters keep sitting in my room? I also need some space. I can’t talk to my mother. The moment I pick up my mobile they begin hovering all over. The tirade turned a regular night ritual thereafter.
The household became a living hell. Everyone was always tense. We stopped eating together in the family tradition. The break was formalized within six months. The worst thing was the bitterness with which we two parted to start a separate family nucleus.

I knew who the Polonius behind the curtain was. It could not have been anyone other than my mother-in-law.
This is how my bosom friend related his tale of family woes to me one evening. He had recently started living independent of his pre-marriage family. That best brewer of guilt, the universal tormentor of conscience, the to-be-or-not-to-be syndrome, assailed him like it does all the newlyweds in our society. Could it have gone different? Yes.

The sorry saga could have been different. The parents could have done it. The society still feels a son must live with his parents. It is obligatory to look after the family by his physical presence under the same roof. We bask in the glory of family ties and joint families. We sing paeans of praises for the atmosphere a child gets growing in the company of a horde of cousins, uncles and aunts. We are still primitive in convictions when clans used to stay together to face a hostile wilderness around.

But the times have changed. The age old custom of joint family is all but extinct. Girls are now an active part of the work force. The tradition of a daughter-in-law massaging the feet of old ladies before sleeping at night seems ridiculous. The girls are mentally different now. They want an uncluttered personal space. They have pretty strong ideas of almost every facet of life from when to start a family to how to dress, when to wash hair, when argue with the husband and when to love him with abandon-undisturbed by the coughing of an old man in the background.

This is a brave new world. The faster the elders come to believe that the change is irreversible, the better. Whatever people feel about it the society will have to change. Mothers-in-law- ‘both sides’- will have to change. When done with grace the family ties will continue to be sweet.
Allow the young couples to fly the coop. Permit them to cut the umbilical cord and live a life of their own. Allow them to go away and find out their own branch to perch. Every Jane Fonda should realize that no Jennifer Lopez will now compromise with a Monster-in-law.

LET GO AND REBOOT: THE CONFESSION OF A DIVORCEE

I was single again. The rotten relationship was buried at last. It took one year from the first pronouncement of –‘I cannot live with you anymore’- to the court clerk asking me to sign the copy of the divorce order. I should have felt relieved and free but did not. I felt put down, drained and alone.

When you are coping with a divorce, pain is inevitable. But what I felt was not pain as such as a feeling of emptiness – an aimless drift. Home was depressing. There was a silently suffering mother. Conversation with her was limited to dinner or bills. Initially, the friends were supportive but after almost a year things were back to the usual office shenanigans.

There was nothing remarkable in the post divorce life or any one to blame. It happened as it happens.
Life would have trundled wearily on if it would not be for my sister. One day she forced me to attend a wedding with her. Surprisingly, the evening turned out to be more pleasant than expected. I met some old friends. They were happy to see me. I actually enjoyed the gaiety of the occasion.

Later, I pondered over the evening, on the joy I had felt and whether I had not become a prisoner of self pity. Wasn’t it wrong? I had a god given right to a happy life. I must pick up the pieces and gel the life again. All the websites on divorce I had browsed during the lonely nights had preached three methods to cope with divorce. Seek out a Support Network, Redefine yourself and minimize the Impact of emotions. I decided to reach my support network-my mother, my sister and some close friends. I must redefine myself.

Mother was the first point of contact. “Go out. Meet people.” mother gushed. “Call your friends from office. Go join the land of the living. Overcome your martyr complex.”

My sister was full of natty suggestions. “Look, a date is what you need. Since, you don’t have time or resources to check around Matrimonial profiles, joining a speed dating event is the best solution.’

I protested : “I have no idea about these things.”

‘Don’t worry, Bhai! Just come out of your shell. The sensitivities of daters are always the chief concern with the organizers of these Matrimonial Speed Dating events. Just go ahead and sign up for the event.
I decided to come out of my comfort zone and took a plunge.

The event was surprisingly decent and satisfying. The idea of bringing 12-15 compatible singles of each gender to meet each other for 5 minutes each over 2/2.5 hours event was fantastic. They followed the round robin method of time scheduling. We talked, discreetly judged and decided. I ticked yes for the 3rd, 5th, 7th and 11th girl I met. I could make up my mind within minutes of coming to their tables.

I felt there was some merit in the studies which suggest that love at first sight isn’t just in our heads, but there may be a biological basis to instant attraction. People do tend to form opinions quickly when it comes to romance. The scientists tell us that it takes just three minutes to decide whether someone’s a potential mate as humans are preprogrammed to spot “the one.” The Matrimonial speed dating is a truly amazing event which employs this science to perfection.

Meeting so many nice girls lifted my spirits and after many days i felt like enjoying life. My heart felt that life might take a turn for the better. My sister ribbed me with – ‘always pay heed to my suggestions’.

MARRIAGE WEBSITES VERSUS MATRIMONIAL SPEED DATING

One evening after a peg or two when a warm glow had begun making me benignly disposed towards the world in general and my wine guzzling cousin in particular, I declared,” I am going to help you”. The poor fellow was single at 36. That will not do. ‘You can’t,’ the figure draped on sofa had grunted.
‘Never mind, when ‘yours truly’ sets out to solve your problems, you get them solved.’

On hearing my determined tone, my cousin looked myopically at me from behind his thick lenses.” I knew you are my real friend.’ A sob followed the sound of another tipping in his glass.

I enthusiastically began laying my plan. ‘At first I would register you with a famous marriage website. We will get hundreds of responses. We will…….,’ I stopped. He was vehemently shaking his head. ‘It won’t work. Well wishers had already tried the route. The experience of bride hunting from the profiles received from the marriage websites had proved unsatisfying . The fast paced life left no time for anything. Even the first meeting for preliminaries had taken months to arrange. The ambience in the restaurant fixed for the first meeting was more like shopping than a matrimonial dating. The only fellow who benefitted was the waiter.”

I was not deterred. I had heard of a novel concept termed matrimonial speed dating. I told him that it was a comparatively more efficient way than the traditional matrimonial dating via marriage website. There you meet only one person and if you decide the person to be incompatible you come back to square one. While in a speed dating event, a number of people compatible with each other are brought together. You get a chance to spend time with more than 10 to 15 prospective matches in a span of 2 to 2.5 hours. Both the daters get only a numbered card with a first name to avoid exchange of identification. He finally agreed. I made him promise to give me a full account of his sojourn in the event.

My cousin boasted a wall to wall grin on his face on his return from the event. “The girls were sitting,” he gushed. “The guys moved from table to table and talked to the girl on it for five minutes. We met, we judged, we decided. Both the girls and guys had numbered cards. We were told to tick the yes or no box to show our preference for the person to meet in future. I met 10 girls and ticked yes for three. The organisers would collate the yeses ticked on guys’ and girls’ cards and whosoever had the collective interest shown will be given details of each other to carry the matter further. The whole affair was done decently. What with the paucity of time in this age, it was a wonderful opportunity to have achieved so much in such a short period”

“You seem really happy!” Yes, I am happy and more because all the girls were relevant to me in terms of age, education, career and intellect.

Online Speed Dating - HOW DO WE ENSURE PRIVACY AND SAFETY?

How do we address user privacy concerns?

• We only allow pre-registered users of ‘Marry in a Week’ facebook app to participate in our speed dating events, which are strictly hosted for the purpose of finding suitable marriage partners.
• We do not share user photos, profile, or contact details prior to or after the event with anybody. We only use the first name of the user.
• We carefully explain all dos and don’ts through an introductory email before the event, and also repeat them at the start of each and every event. This ensures that no one can seek anyone’s contact or job details or ask for a meeting after the event.
• We allow the girls to leave the venue first, followed by the guys ten minutes later so that they can avoid any unwanted encounters or conversations with the guys after the event.
• We share full names and contact details of only those participants who want to meet each other again after the event.
• We can also arrange for a vehicle to drop off the girls to the nearest metro station if they do not use personal conveyance.
• Upon mutual match you can choose to either share your email & mobile ( recommended) or Just your email address.
• None of the information gathered about a participant during the registration and event will be ever be shared, exchanged, sold or rented to any third party under any circumstances.
• Our events are held in the private area of a venue. Removed from the view of passers by and spectators. We don’t allow video shooting, photography or recording of any kind during the event.
• Our event normally always takes place at a mainstream business hotel in a Metro cities on a Sunday/public holiday during the day time.

How do you address user safety concerns?

• We carefully check all user profiles for their suitability to our speed dating group. Since all participants are pre-registered on our app, we also verify their mobile numbers, email addresses and public profiles on LinkedIn to ensure not just their authenticity but also their suitability.
• We check with all the participants that they are actually single and genuinely interested in finding their life partners though our speed dating events, before confirming their registration.
• We compulsorily seek scanned copies of valid photo ids of all participants prior to their registration, and also demand to see the original photo ids at the point of entry to our speed dating events.
• We carefully explain all dos and don’ts through an introductory email before the event, and also repeat the same at the start of the event.
• We hire well-trained officials to keep a close supervision on the proceedings. Additionally, if required, we can also access the hotel security available at the venue.
• We allow the girls to leave the venue first, followed by the guys ten minutes later so that they can avoid any unwanted encounters or conversations with the guys after the event.
• We also arrange for a vehicle to drop off the girls to the nearest metro station if they do not use personal conveyance.
• We have the authority to act in case someone behaves indecently or passes lewd comments or acts in any manner that can be construed as sexual harassment. We can immediately evict such a person from the venue and also ensure that he or she does not linger outside to cause further nuisance.
• We allow the participants to bring along a friend or a relative to the venue so that they can feel more comfortable and relaxed.
• We do not serve alcoholic drinks or allow any person access to the event if he or she appears to be visibly drunk.

What kind of  background checks we do on the people who register for our speed dating events?

We adopt several measures to establish a person’s true identity. For example, all participants of our dating events are pre-registered on our facebook matrimonial app http://apps.facebook.com/marryinaweek. This implies that their profiles have already been reviewed and checked for suitability to the speed dating groups that they are assigned to. Their public profiles on LinkedIn, along with their contact details, have also been verified.

Besides, we compulsorily seek scanned copies of valid photo ids of all participants prior to their registration, and also demand to see the original photo ids at the point of entry to our speed dating events. We also confirm with all the participants that they are actually single and genuinely interested in finding their life partners though our speed dating events, before confirming their registration.

Although, these checks and measures are quite reliable in most cases, they still cannot be considered foolproof. We do not do any police or employment verifications. Therefore, we cannot take any guarantee for anyone’s character or background. We advise all participants to take as many commonsensical precautions as they would while dealing with any stranger, during and even after the event.

What type of questions is not permitted to be asked?

You are not permitted to ask any personal probing questions. You cannot ask about their place of work or contact details. You cannot ask anyone for a meeting. And, you surely cannot say or ask anything that might be interpreted as a threat or any form of sexual harassment. You must be polite and respectful at all times. And also, you must not let anyone know during the course of the event whether or not you will want to meet them again after the event.

Our events are only for Matrimonial purpose

Our speed dating events are strictly held for matrimonial matchmaking purposes only, and are exclusively meant for the use of registered members of ‘Marry in a Week’ facebook app. We strongly discourage people interested in dating only for fun or friendship from signing up on our facebook app. Before confirming any registration for our speed dating events, we try our best to ensure that the concerned participant is not only single but also genuinely interested in matrimonial matchmaking.

ABOUT ‘MARRY IN A WEEK’ SPEED DATING EVENT

About ‘Marry in a Week’ speed dating event 

‘Marry in a Week’ Facebook app has entered the Indian speed dating scene with a matrimonial speed dating event, wherein we typically invite between 10 to 15 single male and female professionals each. These people are chosen from the pre-registered users of ‘Marry in a Week’ facebook app. Since we are an Indian matrimonial matchmaking platform, we not only ensure a balanced male to female ratio but also pay special attention to the composition of the group.

The group comprises of only those Indian singles that are interested in matrimony and are looking for their perfect matches. They share compatibility in terms of nationality, religion, social background, education, profession, income, age, physical appearance and values. We do not match people on the basis of caste or community. We also maintain a wait list to take care of any last minute cancellations.

At the event, each person gets to chat with each other member of the opposite sex for five minutes each. After every five-minute chat, a bell is sounded to signal the end of the speed date. At this signal all the guys get up to move on to the next table while the girls remain seated. During this transfer, both the girls as well as the guys get some time to tick a ‘Yes’ on their date cards in case they would like to meet each other again, in addition to making some notes, if they like, before moving on to their next speed dates.

About halfway through the event there may be a 10-15 minute break to help everyone freshen up, stretch and unwind. When the last of the speed dates gets over, everyone hands over their date cards to the organizers and proceed to have some snacks. Girls leave the venue first, followed by the guys ten minutes later so as to avoid any unwanted encounters outside of the venue. All participants come as strangers and must, therefore, leave as strangers only.

Any post event meeting between two participants takes place only if both of them have mutually ticked a ‘Yes’ in their date cards for meeting each other again. If this does not happen then they do not meet each other again.

What kind of people participate in your matrimonial speed dating events?

Our matrimonial speed dating events are ideal for those Indian professionals who lead very busy lives. They do not get any time or opportunity to meet sufficient enough number of interesting new people to help broaden their prospects of finding perfect life partners. However, only those professionals who are already registered on our facebook matrimonial app can participate in our events, which are strictly held for finding perfect matches for matrimony.

Since we are an Indian matrimonial matchmaking platform, we pay special attention to the composition of each of our speed dating groups. All members of a particular group share compatibility in terms of nationality, religion, social background, education, profession, income, age, physical appearance and values. We do not match people on the basis of caste or community.

What do we compare to ensure all participants in a particular event are compatible?

1. Job Status.
2. Annual Income.
3. Education.
4. Refinement.
5. Personal values.