WHAT IS SPEED DATING?

What is speed dating?

Speed dating is an arranged form of matchmaking that focuses on meeting a lot of people in a very short span of time. In a way, it is a very modern and contemporary version of the traditional Indian matchmaking. In fact, it is a much easier and more efficient way of finding excellent prospective matches than the commonly practiced matrimonial dating these days.

In a speed dating event, single people from both the genders get to talk to each other over short meetings of five minutes each. These face-to-face five-minute meetings are called speed dates. After each of these speed dates, the participants need to tick a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No’ in the box against the question asking them if they would like to meet the person they just met, once again, before moving on to their next speed date.

The event gets over after all the speed dates have taken place. That is, each participant has had a chance to meet every other participant of the opposite sex. The organizers then match the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ ticks of each and every participant in order to find out which of them would like to meet each other again and  send emails to the participants, disclosing the full names and contact details of their matches, so that they can carry on from there on their own.

What is the objective of speed dating? Who is it meant for?

The objective of speed dating is to allow smart young professionals, who would like to get married but are still looking around for the right partner, to meet wonderful new people with similar backgrounds in a fun, safe and private environment.

The hardest part of matchmaking is the opportunity to meet sufficient enough number of compatible and interesting new people so that the probability of making a good alliance can be improved. Speed dating can help do that easily. It is a great way for meeting lots of new people, who are sailing in the same boat, and who are actively searching for good matches themselves, in a short span of time.

Speed dating is ideally meant for those professionals who get very limited time to socialize due to their very hectic professional schedules. They tend to hang with the same set of friends and colleagues every other day. Due to this they hardly get any opportunities to meet new people, which significantly hamper their chances of running into good prospective matches.

What is the science behind speed dating?

It has been scientifically proven that speed dating is a highly effective tool for matchmaking. It can really help people decide who they want to meet again. When two people meet they subconsciously exchange verbal and non-verbal signals. This exchange of signals kicks in the chemistry, which can be either positive or negative. On the basis of this strong intuitive feeling, one can usually decide whether one would like to meet the other person again or not.

Studies have shown that people can take this decision really very quickly, often in a matter of a few minutes. Incidentally, this advantage of judging people by intuition and personal chemistry can only be availed in a personal one-to-one meeting and can never be felt through any online speed dating experience.

What is the history behind speed dating?

Speed dating, in its current form, was perhaps first started by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in Los Angeles in 1999 for young Jewish singles to meet for the purpose of finding good prospective matches. It soon spread throughout the rest of the western world as a revolutionary new way for busy single people to meet each other without any of the stigma associated with online dating.

Now, it is increasingly becoming a necessity in today’s fast-paced world, even in relatively conservative Asian societies such as in India, where young professionals often do not enjoy the luxury of time but still feel the need to break away from the traditional ways and try to find their soul mates on their own. Speed dating offers a fun and safe way to meet many like-minded, interesting and compatible prospects at one go. Therefore, speed dating in India has a great future.

MARRIAGE

Marriage is a fusion of two souls. It is a promise by two adults before god to keep on the course beating all the challenges thrown to test them. This custom derived from millions of experiments through the ages past is a binding force, second only to religion. It has been praised to be the greatest social institution. It has proved to be a balm to frustrated souls.

Contrarily, the convention has been ridiculed by many. It has been the butt of jokes from poets to humorists. Jibes and satires of all hues have been made at the expense of this universal practice. The institution of marriage has evoked diverse comments, but it has survived all. The evolutionary metamorphosis of human race has only strengthened it. The Finnish proverb rightly states –love is a flower that turns into fruit at marriage.

. Some societies prize courtship route before marriage. Good for the partakers. But even a long courtship cannot reveal a person in totality, warts and all. It needs the day-in-and-day-out facts of constant presence. Otherwise the divorce lawyers will starve to extinction. Thus,except the childhood chums of Hollywood and Bollywoood,marriage is a union of choice between two strangers most of the times.  They do it with the full knowledge of the diversities separating them as individuals. The alchemy of sacred vows changes everything. They suddenly become partners of each other’s loss and gain; grief and happiness; health and sickness. They begin to sustain each other in times of need.  It is the sanctity of the institution of marriage that accomplishes the impossible. The idea has become embedded in human psyche. It has almost become a part of the genes of mankind. Marriage separates the homo-sapiens from the lower species.

Sex is fine. It is a binding ingredient of the bliss of marriage but it is not like animals. It becomes secondary to other nuances. Companionship, love, empathy, near bonding of even the thought process comes into play post marriage within no time. It makes a person jump and say-You make me so happy that I would try the same for you for a life time.  The western societies where the convention of marriage is losing its sanctity suffer more than the eastern where it still remains traditional.

Marriage is a serious affair. The convention is blessed by God, sanctioned by law, accepted by the society and fortified by love. The reason for marriage is the entrenched desire to multiply the species. A bond of affection is the gift received. Sharing and caring is the process till death. It is a coupling of two individuals who vow “to have and hold for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health to love and to cherish until death do them apart.” It is one institution that has gone from strength to strength. Aberrations might shake a person but the exceptions only prove the rule. From the food gathering days to the moon walking zenith of evolution the tradition of marriage has remained unwaveringly intact.

SEEKING A MATCH – A RELEVANT ONE

I am all of twenty three years old.  A young person poised to open new chapters in life.  One is inevitably marriage.  I am also a product of today: I am educated, working towards financial independence, social, technically savvy.  Malls, smart phones and countless friends on Facebook are part of my life.  I am looking for a partner, a soul mate, but in ways that I am comfortable with.  And I do believe that a Facebook app on matrimony is not a bad idea at all.  It suits me to a T.

I admit I am not radical.  I love and respect my parents, elders and culture.  I do not wish to be a rebel and I may not defy their suggestions, yet I want more – additional options that will reassure me that I stand a greater chance of getting what I want.  Just as in olden times parents invited suitable young men to their daughters’ swayamvara and sent their young sons as prospective bridegrooms, I want that option for myself.  Not an actual swayamvara but a virtual one – only for those who will match as bride or groom.  Parents and their offspring want an appropriate match; in other words, we are all looking for relevance.

My match making sum:

my qualities and what I normally do

+ some commonalities I am looking for

+ no fear of showing or communicating these

+ looking at these lists everyday to remind myself or, when convinced, make adjustments

-  clutter

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           my road map for seeking a suitable match

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 I have a profile on Facebook.  My profile gives my education, likes and dislikes.  My pictures show my lifestyle and preferences.  My status says unmarried.  I know there are several like me out there with profiles.  I also know that the more the friends, the less the chances of faking a life on Facebook.  And why would you want to fake a life, especially if you are looking for true friends or soul mates?  It would be a funeral and not a wedding!  So, if I want to use a system that takes information from my existing profile and puts up information relevant to my final aim, simultaneously ensuring only those I permit can access it, why not? Because the way I see it -

   Genuine profile information + access to those qualified, of interest or Interested = RELEVANCE

This equation immediately ups my chances of clutter-free suitable matches that I can express an interest in or allow to expire in a week.  Facebook and matrimony.

Technology taking inspiration from culture to facilitate what I want – not a bad idea at all.

SWAYAMVARA – THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE

Swayamvara

The gathering is assembled, waiting.  The maiden has agreed to get married.  She steps into the hall, among the assembly.  All eyes are on her.  But no, she is not being inspected.  She is not going to avert her gaze in the name of feminine reserve as prospective bridegrooms and their families size her up.  She is not going to be paraded as if on display.  She is going to appraise…she is going to choose.  It is secondary whether the actual wedding is right then or she will marry in a week.  More significantly, this is the moment of choice.  In her hand, she carries a garland.  The occasion: her swayamvara.

Today, women empowerment need not re-invent the wheel but just take a leaf out of the old books.  When popular social networking sites such as Facebook team up with this idea, a woman gets a platform where she can decide who is good enough for her.  She has the avenue to familiarise herself with the interests and qualifications of the man she might find interesting from among those who have chosen to provide her their profile. Family and friends may be involved – the gathering that stands witness at a swayamvara – but the garland is in her hands.  Instead of elaborate invitations and resplendent assemblies, there are virtual invitations and connections through a Facebook app: the twenty first century swayamvara which places in contemporary context the benefits of the age old tradition.

Swayamvara is what gave the right to make one’s own choice in marriage, matrimony, vivaah, nuptials… call it what you will.  The maiden with the garland, unlike many even in today’s world, was unlikely to be pushed or driven into something that would so vitally affect her life.  The choice of the spouse was made by “swayam” (self).  Jaichandra may not have approved of his daughter Sanyogita’s love for Prithviraj Chauhan and even put a statue of the latter as a “dwarpal” at her swayamvara, where he deliberately omitted to invite this one eligible suitor; but he could do little to stop his daughter from proclaiming her choice openly by placing the garland around the neck of the “dwarpal”.  Before the stunned eyes of those assembled, she made her choice clear even as the man she loved and who loved her whisked her away.

Often, suitors had to prove their abilities before the young bride.  Ram had to first string the Shiva Dhanush and Arjun won Draupadi’s heart upon hitting the eye of a revolving fish after looking at its reflection in water.  When we dismiss what dates back years as ‘old fashioned’, we don’t realise that some of it actually makes perfect sense.  The woman makes the choice from among those men who have agreed to be there for her and who prove they are capable and suitable.  When garlands are exchanged at the mandap as the swayamvara, let that truly symbolise that the union is one made by choice of the man and the woman concerned rather than just a hollow ritual.